


The Doctor and the Rock Star

by Lucci_Norton



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Oasis (Band)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-03 23:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 8,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4118074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucci_Norton/pseuds/Lucci_Norton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam Gallagher finds himself on the TARDIS. Cue lots of swearing and an awkward Clara.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a drabble for the time being. I might add another chapter at a later stage if enough people like this.

“Will he be alright, Doctor?”

“He’ll be fine. I’d imagine he’s used to this sort of thing.”

Liam’s eyelids flickered. He had become aware of voices; those of a middle-aged Scottish man and a younger woman. He hadn’t opened his eyes but he could sense both were looming over him as though examining him closely; the voices came from directly above, inches from his face. He was lying on what he believed to be a hospital bed; although the surface on which he was laying felt more like a solid floor. It pressed hard against the groove of his spine, causing his entire body to twinge almost unbearably. The side of his head throbbed with a dull, stabbing ache. His throat felt tight, like he was about to throw up at any moment. His eyes still shut, Liam took a few moments to try and grasp what made sense among the hazy clouds of foggy memories swimming in his mind. Snatches of what had happened hours before resurfaced but then slipped away again like tadpoles.  
Liam was reluctant to open his eyes. The first reason being his head hurt too much. The second reason being he felt pretty certain he was in a hospital and that a doctor and nurse were gawking at him as he lay smashed out of his mind. Well, the female voice had called the Scottish bloke, “Doctor”…so that would make sense, he supposed. One thing Liam was certain of though…the day was going to be pretty rubbish. He’d gotten hammered before but not quite like this for years. Now at 42, Liam was getting on in his age and wasn’t quite the rock star he was. His eyelids flickered again as he became more conscious. 

“Oh God, Doctor, I think he’s awake!”

It was the female voice sounding somewhat concerned. Curiosity getting the better of him, Liam moved slowly, sitting cautiously upright while rubbing his eyes. “That’s funny”, he thought. “Why…why the fuck am I on the floor. I’m on the fucking floor…”

When Liam moved his hands away, his thoughts became cloudier and his headache throbbed harder. He wasn’t in a hospital at all…and the bird crouching by his shoulders didn’t look like a nurse. He was sprawled on the floor of what looked like a massive room…or was it the inside of a giant machine? The room was vast and circular in shape with a large hexagonal dashboard of controls, levers and buttons in the centre which ran from the floor right up to the ceiling. A slender, grey-haired man in black with deep wrinkles set around his cheeks and thick furrowed eyebrows was pacing round the controls, giving the occasional glance at a screen or pausing to press a button. Liam knew this was the man the girl had called “Doctor”…he didn’t look like much of a doctor. And this place as sure as hell didn’t look like anywhere a doctor would hang out. Liam was hit by a sudden wave of anxiety; something which didn’t happen too often. He was beginning to regret ever opening his eyes. He held his head in his hands, wondering if any after effects of the drugs he had taken could cause him to hallucinate.

“Um…hello.”

Liam pulled his hands away and squinted at the young woman. She looked slightly on edge but was smiling kindly at him. She was a pretty young thing; sleek brunette hair which fell around her shoulders and bright chestnut eyes which had an aura of curiosity about them.

“Are you feeling alright” enquired the girl in a hushed tone. “I’m Clara by the way…Clara Oswald. Nice to meet you. I know who you are. I was…a pretty big fan of yours when I was a teenager. I have to say, I’m feeling pretty star struck right now”.

The girl called Clara turned her head away slightly with embarrassment. Liam rubbed his eyes again, trying to make sense of the situation. There were so many questions he needed to ask, so many things he didn’t understand.

“Uh…you’re…you’re not a nurse are you?”

Clara looked at Liam, bewilderment creeping to her face.

“Um…no…no I’m not. I’m an English teacher.”

“An English teacher?”

“Yes, I…uh…teach English.”

Liam looked around. “Funny lookin’ school this!”

“Well, I’m not teaching English now, obviously. I’m travelling with the Doctor.”

Liam suddenly bolted upright, his eyes fixed on the grey-haired man by the controls. “So he’s a doctor then, eh? What’s he brought me here for?”

“Oh no, nobody brought you here!” Clara’s voice heightened slightly as though she sensed a potential conflict. “You sort of, er, dropped in , I guess.”

“Can we throw him off now?”

The grey-haired Scottish bloke spoke up for the first time since Liam had seen him. The bloke didn’t turn to look at Clara or Liam when he spoke; he was still engrossed in what he was doing by the controls. 

“Sorry?” Clara sounded offended.

“Well, he’s not sleeping, he’s not dead, and he seems perfectly capable of stringing a sentence together, so why shouldn’t we throw him off? I say we throw him off, he’s making the TARDIS smell like Guinness.”

“Doctor, he’s only just woken up!”

“This is a time machine, Clara, not a bloody rehabilitation centre! We shouldn’t have to be lugging drunkards with us around the place, we’re not carers!”

Liam was suddenly scrambling to his feet; his senses had come flooding back to him. His confusion was fast turning into anger; nobody seemed to be helping him in any way or giving him any idea of where he was…or how to get out of this place. He hesitated for a moment; his vision swimming; he cursed himself for standing up too fast, then doubled over. Clara reached out and grabbed him by the shoulders.

“You sure you’re alright?”

Liam groaned and rubbed his eyes, trying hard not to vomit. His eyes glazed over at the Scottish bloke; he was staring down at Liam with a sharp, disapproving glare.

“Doctor, I think he might need some help.”

“He’ll be fine!”

“But Doctor--!”

“Can someone just fucking tell me”, Liam let a low drunken slur escape the side of his mouth, “what the fuck is going on here and where the fuck am I?” 

“Just get him out of here, Clara, his brains are addled enough as it is.”

“Wait…give him a few minutes, Doctor, he can barely stand up straight.”

“I can stand up fine”, Liam drawled, tumbling backwards into Clara’s outstretched arms. She smiled down at him. “If you say so.”

Liam found himself getting lost in Clara’s chestnut eyes. Fuck, what was this, some realistic dream? If Liam knew only one thing, it was that she was a stunner of a bird alright.

Clara looked up to see the Doctor rolling his eyes dramatically to heaven. “Please, Doctor! Let him stay!”

The Doctor sighed and turned away, rubbing his forehead with his hand, which translated to what Clara understood to be a very reluctant yes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam thinks Clara is a good-looking bird but he thinks the Doctor is a prick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added another chapter. Hope you like it.  
> Again, I'll probably add another one at some stage.

“Jesus…I feel like shit.”

“You’ll be alright.” Clara rubbed Liam’s back sympathetically. “I know it’s a lot to take in. Trust me, I’ve been there.”

“What the fuck”, Liam muttered, “Fuck, fuck, fuck…a fucking time machine.”

Clara smiled and nodded. “You’re doing well.”

Liam looked over at the Doctor, “A fucking….a fucking….time alien psycho prick!”

Clara bit her lip. “Near enough.”

“Time Lord”, the Doctor corrected flatly.

“It’s not drugs then? This is fucking real? I’m in a…I’m in a fucking time machine with a bird and a psycho lord?”

“Yup” replied Clara as the Doctor rolled his eyes for what seemed like the fiftieth time since Liam had regained consciousness.

“Jesus…” Liam looked around the TARDIS in awe, like a small child viewing a funfair for the first time. “Mental. Fucking mental. Jesus…” He turned to Clara, a wicked grin beginning to form on his lips, “I knew you lot was out there somewhere. Flying around in your fucking spaceships.”

Clara laughed. “Really?”

“I watch the stars through my telescope. You see a lot happening up there in the sky. Knew there was something fishy going on up there, d’you know what I mean? Too much shit going on around us for humans to be the only ones! I’m glad now I’ve found you lot.”

“Well I’m very glad I found you”, Clara smiled, “I mean…it’s not every day you get to have a proper conversation with a rock star.”

“It’s not every day a bloke gets to have a conversation with a stunner like yourself”, Liam replied. Clara laughed nervously as she felt herself starting to blush furiously.

Liam laughed to himself. “Always said I’d fight an alien if I ever saw one.”

“What…fight the Doctor?” Clara laughed incredulously.

“When you two lovebirds have finished”, said the Doctor, “is there any chance of you maybe…?”

“What?” Liam’s head snapped forwards to look straight at the Doctor.

“I thought maybe it was perhaps time for you to leave”, replied the Doctor coolly. “I mean…I don’t see any real reason for you being here other than winding me up and wasting our time.”

“Doctor!” exclaimed Clara, “He’s not hurting anyone!”

“He’s hurting my mood!” the Doctor shot back.

“Listen, weirdo”, Liam now spoke in a dangerous tone, “You might be from another fucking planet but you don’t fucking scare me. I’ll have one of my shoes come rolling out of your fucking arse before you know it!”

“Oh, really?” replied the Doctor. “Well I’ll tell you this…you don’t scare me either.”

“Well, you should be fucking scared of me, mate!” Liam strode towards the Doctor until they were almost nose to nose. The fact the Doctor was five inches taller than him didn’t seem to faze him very much. “I’m a rock star, right? I was in one of the biggest rock bands in the fucking world! I’ve knocked people out twice your fucking size! Talk down to me like a fucking twat and you’ll be seeing stars for the rest of your fucking days, man!”

“Oh, you don’t frighten me, sonny”, the Doctor replied coolly. “You don’t know a fraction of who I am. You don’t qualify as a threat to me. Minor inconvenience, maybe. Pain in the backside, most definitely.”

“You’ll know a proper pain in the backside when I proper fucking boot it”, Liam spat but he took a step backwards.

“All right guys, alright…take it easy, eh?” Clara was lost for words. She was overwhelmed and enthralled at Liam Gallagher’s presence…but she had never seen the Doctor act quite so hostile around a normal person before.

“What’s your problem?” the Doctor snapped. “What do you want from me? What do you want from Clara?”

“Me?” Liam laughed, “I ain’t got no fucking problem. I don’t want nothing. I got fucking smashed and I took some geezer’s hat off and he fucking chased me so I threw myself into what I thought was a phone box…and I wake up in a fucking time machine! You’re not throwing me off here, mate! Not when there’s a beautiful woman here and all! I’ve always wanted to experience aliens and time travel and all that shit and here I am! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, mate! I might never see you fuckers again! I’m not going home until I’ve seen what this fucking time machine can do!”

“What do you say, Doctor?” Clara spoke up. “How about we take Liam somewhere? Just this one time?”

“I don’t normally give drunken vagrants free travel passes aboard my TARDIS”, the Doctor grunted.

“Watch it, old man!” Liam snapped, “I ain’t no fucking vagrant! I’m worth millions!”

“Please, Doctor”, Clara insisted. Travelling through space and time had made almost all of Clara’s dreams come true. But travelling through space and time with Liam Gallagher from Oasis? Now that would be something!

The Doctor let out an exasperated sigh. “What do you see in this man, Clara?”

“She’s got eyes”, grinned Liam, “She knows I’m a proper good-looking fuck.”

Clara could feel herself blushing again. “Shut up. I mean. Can we take him somewhere? Just this once?”

“Yeah, mate”, said Liam, “I think you’re a knob but give me a chance. Just so I can be with Clara.”

“Well, then, where do you want to go?” asked the Doctor. “Just promise me that guy gets his backside out of my TARDIS when we come back. I don’t normally pick up anyone off the street for a free ride.”

“So you say this thing can go anywhere at any time…”said Liam.

“Anywhere” the Doctor confirmed, “in time or space.”

“So if I said…” Liam paused, “The Rock en Seine Festival on the 28th August 2009…can we go there? There’s someone I’d like to have a word with…”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's 2009 and to say that Noel wasn't getting on with certain members of the band would be an understatement. Meanwhile Liam is sick on the TARDIS.

Noel was in the dressing room en suite sitting on the toilet and smoking a cigarette. His head was pounding and his knuckles were tense and beaded with tiny droplets of blood.  
“Shit” Noel exhaled a dull mist from his lips as he muttered to himself. He hadn’t felt this type of emotion in a long time.

***************

The TARDIS groaned and juddered to a halt.

The Doctor was moaning loudly and holding his head in his hands. “No, no, no, no, no, no, noooooo…..”

“Are you all right?” Clara hushed as she rubbed circles onto Liam’s back while he coughed up the final burst of vomit. “Would you like a drink of water?”  
Liam spluttered something incomprehensible as the Doctor exasperated over the state of the TARDIS.

“No, no, no, not all over the floor…!”

“Anyway…” Clara exhaled as she looked up from the misery splattered by her feet, “we’ve arrived”.

“Holy fuck”, Liam gasped, “What the fuck…where are we? What’s happened?”

“The Rock en Seine Festival. 28th August 2009”, the Doctor replied flatly, still eyeing the half-digested mess with a dangerous look in his eyes. “You’ve got some mopping to do, my son.”

“Wait…28th August 2009…” Clara turned to Liam, her brows furrowed, “…that’s…that’s the day you fell out with your brother, right?”

“It had nothing to do with me”, Liam shot back, “it was him being a prick. That’s all that happened.”

“So, why come back here?” Clara asked. “I mean…what are you going to do?”

“Sort him out”, replied Liam simply, then he turned to the Doctor. “Well, go on then. Open the door. Let us out. You’re the one who fucking drove us here or whatever. Assuming this metal shit really is a time machine…”

“Of course it’s a time machine”, said the Doctor. “You’ve just seen all of this and you still don’t think this is a time machine? You must have taken serious cocaine in your prime!”

“Let us out then!” Liam tried to brush past the Doctor but he side-stepped, blocking Liam’s way.

“Now hang on just a second!” the Doctor snapped, “You might think you’re invincible but you’ve got no right to play God out there! Whatever you’re up to, you can’t go messing around willy-nilly with time! You can’t let anybody see you! And you especially cannot take the risk of being seen with the younger you! Do you understand that there will be serious consequences if you do? For everybody?”

“Yeah, man, no mucking around and all that! I’ve got it covered!” Liam muttered. “Just open the fucking door.”

“Wait…” said Clara, “…did you say Liam can’t be seen?”

“Well he at least can’t be recognised as himself” the Doctor responded. “Especially when the other him is around here somewhere! That would cause all sorts of problems.”

“But then…” Clara started but Liam had already stepped out of the TARDIS.

“So no mucking around” Liam mused. “Just get in there, give Noely a kick up the arse and go home. Job done. Ain’t nothing dangerous about that.”

***************

Noel looked at his watch. The band were due on stage in over 50 minutes.  
“Fuck me…” He held his head in his hands. He was living a nightmare. Things couldn’t possibly get any worse.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The adventure nearly goes wrong before it even starts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the nice comments and kudos this story has received. I really appreciate it.

“Come on then, love!” Liam put his arm round Clara’s and grinned as he strode forward. “I fuckin’ love Paris. D’you like Paris?”

“Uh…yeah, of course”, Clara laughed as she looked around cautiously. They were surrounded by people, the vast majority of them clearly festival-goers. The air was alive with whooping and chatter. Clara couldn’t help but feel her spirits lift despite everything; the atmosphere here was electric.

“They say Paris is a great place for rock n’roll”, Liam continued, “Great place for clubbin’ as well…and fashion and all that…and romance”.

Clara could feel her cheeks beginning to flush again as she let slip a giggle. “Sure, yeah. It’s…it’s great!”

“Well, great as it might be, we’re still six years in the past”, the Doctor interrupted from behind, giving Clara a start. “Which means that Liam cannot under any circumstances be recognised as himself.”

“For fuck’s sake, man, who cares?” Liam snapped, “People recognise me all the time, come up to me for selfies and that! I’m a fucking rock star! Course I’m gonna be fucking recognised!”

The Doctor strode in front of Liam and turned around, stopping him in his tracks.

“Were you listening to a word of what I said in the TARDIS? We’re not just in Paris! We’re backwards in time! You can’t dance around the place waving your arms about! You can’t let anybody recognise you as who you are! I have already explained to you there will be consequences if that happens!”

“Um…Doctor”, Clara was looking around at the faces that were passing them.

“For fuck’s sake, man, I hear you! I’m not gonna be dancing around or whatever you said! I’m just gonna look around, do whatever it is I wanna do and then fuck off again! D’you think I’m fuckin’ stupid? I’ve always wanted to ride around in a spaceship and travel back in time and that! D’you really think I’d be fuckin’ thick enough to mess it up on my first go?”

“Doctor!” hissed Clara, “We need to get him out of here…!”

Heads were beginning to turn. The heads of hundreds of French festival goers. 

And Oasis fans.

***

45 minutes.

Noel was pacing around, rubbing his head in his hands. Today had been one of the worst days of his life. 

He couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t. Not with him. Not with his brother.

But the fans…

No. He just couldn’t do it.

***

“Fuckin’ hell, man!” Liam’s voice was growing louder. “What the fuck is your prob-“

“Move on, move on, nothing to see here!” the Doctor snapped at the crowd as Clara yanked Liam forwards.

“What the fuck are you doing!” Liam hollered as they sprinted away from the crowds of bemused faces. “Where are we going?”

The trio stopped behind a block of public toilets. Clara grabbed Liam’s shoulders. “Listen, Liam! I know how much you wanna get out there but trust me! It isn’t safe!”

“How is it not safe?” Liam snorted, “It’s only Paris”.

“It’s not only Paris, it’s Paris from six years ago!” the Doctor snapped. “It’s Paris from the past! Paris with music fans! Paris with you!”

“I’m not scared of the past!” Liam shot back.

“This isn’t about being scared”, Clara perplexed, “It’s about how dangerous this could be! All those people out there, all those fans…some of them almost recognised you!”

Liam scrunched his eyebrows. “So?”

“So you’re recognised”, said the Doctor, “So people start seeing you out there when at the same time you’re backstage preparing for a show! You’re in two places at the same time! You can’t allow anyone find that out! And especially not you!”

Liam nodded. “’kay then! Can’t be seen by fans! Can’t be seen by me! Got it!”

“You’ll have to go incognito”, the Doctor continued, “People out there are going to recognise you if you go out there acting too much like Liam Gallagher from Oasis!"

“I am Liam Gallagher from Oasis!” Liam snapped.

“The Doctor’s right”, said Clara, “You’ll have to wear a disguise or something! This isn’t going to work!”

***

Noel could hear shouting followed by hoots of laughter outside the door. He could feel his heart sink to the pit of his stomach.

Oasis were due on stage in half an hour.

Noel couldn’t think of anywhere he would rather be less.

***

The trio were back among the crowds. Liam had removed his parka and had Clara’s scarf wrapped around the lower half of his face. It wasn't a great attempt at a disguise but at least now his identity was at least marginally less obvious.

“So…” said Clara, “What do we do now?”

Liam looked around. “We could look around…and I could pop back backstage and say hi to Noely. We could do that.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam goes on his own little adventure.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been to a festival like this. Must have been when I was a teenager.”

Clara mused as the trio strolled along. The crowds of revellers were starting to get heavier as they swarmed around them.

Liam growled from beneath the scarf. “I’m bored!”

“For heaven’s sake, how can you be bored?” the Doctor snapped, “You’re the one who asked to come here in the first place!”

“Yeah…you? Bored? At a…rock festival?” Clara suddenly felt a wave of exhaustion wash over her, as though she were dealing with one of the kids from school. Liam was certainly a difficult one to please.

“Why are we fuckin’ about the place though?” Liam moaned, “I want to have a proper look at where I’m at!”

“Well, off you go then!” the Doctor almost snorted, “Have your own little adventure! Have a look at all the balloons and streamers and pretty colours! Just don’t come crying to us if you eat too much candy floss!”

“Er...Doctor…”, Clara eyed Liam nervously as he ambled off. “I mean…are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“He’s a full grown adult”, the Doctor replied. “I’ve already explained the consequences if things do go wrong. We’ve brought him all this way. He wants a look around. We’ll let him. He must have his head screwed on somehow.”

Clara didn’t say anything. She could feel herself becoming slightly light-headed.

***

Noel took a deep breath.

This was it.

***

“Oi! HEY!” yelled one of the security guards. “Where do you think you’re…?”

Liam, with Clara’s scarf still veiling most of his face, produced an ID card. The security guard squinted at it closely.

“What the fuck...? You’re an official from health and safety? You have to go backstage to look at the dressing rooms for health and safety reasons?”

“Jesus”, said another security guard. “Health and safety’s gone a bit extreme nowadays, hasn’t it?”

The security guards waved Liam through.

“Bit weird though, that card”, said the first security guard. “Are you sure it was real and not fake?”

“It looked pretty damn real to me”, said the other security guard. “It had all the official stuff on it.”

“Strange”, said the first security guard, “I’ve never seen an identity card that included the owner’s penis size as part of their personal information before.”

***

“Doctor, do you think Liam will be alright?”

“Oh, you seem to be very concerned about a certain knight in shining armour”, the Doctor drawled, “Your shaggy haired, parka donning boyfriend.”

“Shut up!” Clara hissed as she eyed the crowds passing by them, “There’s nothing going on between me and Liam, alright? I just want to know he’s okay. That’s all…”

***

Noel had had enough. That was it. It was over. Everything was over and there was no going back. He’d made his decision. He was leaving the band. He was leaving the fans. He just couldn’t work with him a day longer. Not Liam. Not ever again. The fresh images of the splintered guitar were still flashing across his mind.

Noel closed his eyes and exhaled.

He left the toilet.

He left the room.

And walked out.

His walk turned into almost a steady, thumping jog. He moved past people, he felt he could hear people calling his name but ignored them. This was it. It was over.

He was getting a taxi out of here.

Suddenly a man was blocking his way.

“Fuck!” Noel muttered, “No…fuck…sorry…I’m leaving here…”

“Where are you going?” the man drawled in a far too familiar Mancunian accent.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam runs into his own worst enemy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave any comments.

The Doctor and Clara were surrounded by whooping, chanting crowds and choruses of overexcited singing. But Clara wasn’t feeling the energy anymore. Her thoughts were racing, drowning out the noises of distant off-key singing.

“Doctor…when are Oasis due on stage?”

“Oasis…?” the Doctor looked at Clara quizzically.

“Oasis! You know! The band Liam was in…is in…was in…whatever! They’re performing here today! They’re due on stage!”

“I know who Oasis are”, the Doctor hissed, “Liam who was with us is Liam Gallagher from Oasis! There’s the lanky, shaggy guy and then there’s the browsy guy! And the other ones!”

Clara tapped the shoulder of a passing reveller. “Sorry…Oasis? They’re gonna be on stage in…?”

“Yeah, 15 minutes”, the reveller hollered before jogging off.

“15 minutes…” Clara glanced at the Doctor. “Oh my God… Doctor, where’s Liam?”

The Doctor rolled his eyes. “Oh God, Clara, what do you think your lippy, scruffy boyfriend is up to now?”

***

“Fuck off, mate”, Noel mumbled as he tried to shove past the bloke who was standing in his path, “I can’t stay here…I’ve gotta go…I have to leave…”

But the bloke wasn’t letting him pass. He sidestepped and pushed Noel backwards, glaring at him over the scarf that was covering half his face. Noel could feel the world around him beginning to swing slightly. The bloke’s eyes were the image of his brother’s…

“Where the fuck d’you think you’re going, mate?” said the bloke and Noel was definitely feeling dizzy now; he sounded exactly like Liam. He was going mad. Liam had driven him mad and now he was seeing and hearing Liam everywhere.

“No, mate, sorry, I can’t stay…” Noel tried again to get past the guy but he wouldn't budge.

“What, leave all those people out there waiting? You’re gonna leave them all out there and all your bandmates wondering where the fuck you’ve gone off to? Why are you doing this? What the fuck is going through your fucking mind? Fucking answer me that!”

Noel felt his head was about explode. A huge surge of anger rose from the pit of his stomach.

“Who the fuck are you? How does this fucking concern you? Get out of my fucking way, you fucking cunt!”

Noel managed to shove the bloke aside and break into a sprint. The bloke turned and ran after him.

Fuck, Liam thought, Noely can’t half fucking run fast when he wants to.

***

“So what you’re saying is”, said the Doctor as he and Clara were shoving through the crowds, “We need to get back there and check up to see what Liam is up to Because if your instincts are right…!?

“…Liam’s back there!” finished Clara, “Trying to stop Noel from leaving the band!”

“Oh for God’s sake!” the Doctor snapped, “Why does no one ever listen to me? I told you we should never have given that drunken vagrant a free ride on the TARDIS and look where we are! You’re in love with him aren’t you? You’re so far up his own backside that every stupid move he makes is just a little accident that you construe to be MY fault!”

“This isn’t the time for arguing!” Clara hollered, “How are we going to get past security!? How did Liam manage to do it!?”

The Doctor rummaged in his waistcoat pocket. “Where’s the psychic paper!?”

“You mean you don’t have it!?”

“It’s not here!” the Doctor replied, “Someone must have…!”

“Oh no!” Clara froze.

***

Noel was still sprinting, his heart pounding in his chest.

Who the fuck is this weirdo? , he was thinking. Why is he running after me? What was he doing back there? Why does he look and sound so much like Liam? Am I going fucking mental?

Noel hailed a taxi. He prepared himself to fight back against the bloke should he reach out for him just as the taxi was pulling in.

“Noel!” the bloke yelled, “You’re making a fucking big mista-!”

“Who the fuck are you!?” Another strong Mancunian accent came from behind the bloke.

Noel stopped in his tracks. Liam turned around. “Oh, shit.”

“Who the fuck are you!?” Liam from 2009 yelled at his older self. “And what the fuck are you doing?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam realises just how much of a twat he really is.

“He’s got the psychic paper”, the Doctor exhaled, rubbing his brow. “How’s he done that? Is he a professional pickpocket or something?”

“He must’ve had a plan”, said Clara, “It must’ve been when we were dragging him away, he must’ve put his hand in your pocket, took the psychic paper and then used it to get-“

“One second, Clara!” the Doctor snapped, “How did he even know what psychic paper was? Or if I had some?”

“Uh…” Clara hesitated, “Uh…I might’ve, y’know…told him a little of what we’re about…”

“Oh for God’s sake, Clara!” the Doctor burst, “You’ve given away our whole bloody life stories if he knows that much detail! What the hell were you thinking!?

”How about if we take the TARDIS?” Clara began, but the Doctor shook his head.

“There must be an easier way than that…if Liam Gallagher from the future can get through security then so can we…psychic paper or not…”

The Doctor sprinted forward and then approached the security guards. “Mind if we get past? It’s a bit of an emergency...!

“’fraid not!” said the first security guard. “Been enough weirdness going on here already!”

“You see…it’s this lady’s boyfriend”, the Doctor began, much to Clara’s visible irritation, “He appears to have wandered off…”

“No way. Not a chance”, interrupted the second security guard. A small bead of sweat was beginning to form on the first security guard’s temple. “Anywhere near the backstage area is strictly out of bounds to the general public. Already we’ve had some official from health and safety show us a card with his penis size on it.”

“What was…?” Clara stopped.

“We let him through”, said the first security guard quietly.

“We haven’t got time for this!” the Doctor hissed, “We need to get backstage!”

“Hang on one second…do you know the guy that went through here?” asked the second security guard. “Is he really a health and safety official?”

“We…I mean yes! He’s…er…Clara’s boyfriend…!” the Doctor rummaged in his pockets, “…and I’m also with health and safety!” The Doctor produced his sonic-screwdriver and flicked it into life.

“Jesus”, said the second security guard, “What’s that?”

“It’s a special screwdriver”, said the Doctor, “For fixing…door hinges. And, er…stage parts”.

“How do we know that’s not a weapon?” said the first security guard. “We can’t let you through without identification.”

“You let someone through with a card that had his SAUSAGE SIZE on it” the Doctor snapped.

“Oh my God, we haven’t got time! Just…!” Clara suddenly shoved past the security guards.

“Clara!” the Doctor gasped.

“Hey…HEY! You’re not allowed! Get back…!” the first security guard roared. Suddenly radio coms were out and more guards were suddenly scrambling from nowhere from different ends, sprinting down after Clara.

“Back!” the second security guard stayed where he was, along with several more of his colleagues, completely blocking the Doctor’s path.

“Right!” the Doctor huffed, turning round. “The TARDIS it is!”

 

***

 

“Trust me”, 42 year old Liam said to 36 year old Liam, “I’m doing you a really huge favour”.

“What!?” 36 year old Liam hollered, “Runnin’ after our kid to beat him up or something!? What the fuck!? Who are you!?”

Noel’s thoughts were beginning to fog up. What the fuck was this about? He briefly forgot about the taxi that had pulled in alongside him and paused to watch the events unfold.

“I’m helping you”, said Present Liam to Past Liam. Past Liam was now circling Present Liam like a vulture. Present Liam could feel his heart beginning to race as the sheer enormity and madness of the situation began to unravel in his mind.

“Helping me!? What the fuck!?” Past Liam took a step closer. “What the fuck’re you on about, you fucking weirdo?”

“You wouldn’t get it”, Present Liam began, “It’s kind of a long story—“

“Well, get this!” spat Past Liam and punched Present Liam in the face.

Present Liam’s vision exploded with a burst of flashing white lights and red blobs. He staggered backwards blindly, wobbling with his arms outstretched to try and regain his balance. He stood in silence for a few seconds, panting, as his vision slowly fuzzed back into focus and he could see the snarling figure of Past Liam. He could feel the blood pumping sharply where he’d been punched.

Present Liam glared at past Liam, rubbing the side of his face. He’d never realised this before but fuck, he was some twat.

“What d’you do that for!?” Present Liam snapped, “You didn’t wait for me to fucking explain myself!”

“What is there to explain!?” Past Liam hollered back. There was something eerily familiar about this stranger he was arguing with and it was unsettling him. The anxiety made his fury bubble even more.

“Fucking explain this!” Present Liam roared and before he could stop himself, he had taken a swing into Past Liam’s jaw, his fist landing with a crack.

“Oi!” Noel suddenly snapped out of his trance and sprinted from the side of the side of the taxi, grabbing Present Liam by the collar and landing a swift thump between his eyes. Present Liam was greeted with another explosion of light. Before he even had time to comprehend what had happened, Past Liam was on his feet and shoving and fumbling for Present Liam. The three of them were a mad, angry rush of body heat, heavy panting, arms, fists and hands.

Then suddenly there was a shrill female noise. The three men suddenly froze mid-brawl.

“Clara!” Present Liam bawled in delight. “Am I fucking glad to see you!”

“Who’s that!?” Past Liam sneered, “She your bird?”

“Oh no…” Clara stared, as the scale of what was taking place in front of her took shape, “Oh my God…this is bad…this is bad…this is so bad…”

“You’re telling me it’s bad, love!” said Noel, “I’ll tell you one thing; it doesn’t get much worse than this!”

Suddenly there was a mechanical sound of wheezing and groaning. The unmistakable sound of an arriving TARDIS.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is feeling very stressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. Please leave kudos if you enjoy.

The TARDIS ground to a halt in front of Clara and the three men. The Doctor opened the door and peered out. The taxi driver, deciding he’d seen enough madness for one day, pulled out and drove away. No one noticed.

“Fuck me!” Past Liam shrieked, “What’s that!?”

“Fuck off!” Present Liam roared, “I’m trying to sort this out!”

“Fuck you!” Noel screamed, “I’m going out of my bleeding fucking mind and you show up here in a fucking floaty teleporting box! Go fuck yourself, you fucking cunt!”

“Doctor!” yelled Clara, “What are we going to do!?”

“Oh for God’s sake, what is wrong with you people, can you do ANYTHING right!?” the Doctor bellowed as he stormed out of the TARDIS.

“Would somebody mind telling me”, Noel hissed, visibly shaking with anger and confusion, “what the fuck is going on here and why a magician from a magic blue box is standing in front of me fucking shouting at me?”

“Doctor”, Clara spoke softly, “I’m sorry….I should never have let Liam aboard the TARDIS…”

“It’s too late for that now”, said the Doctor, “Right now we’ve got a situation on our hands.”

Both Liams turned to look at Clara.

“It wasn’t your fault, Clara, love”, said Present Liam gently. “It was mine. Actually, no it wasn’t. It was the fucking Doctor’s. I thought he knew what he was doing. I don’t know nothing about space or time travel and that and yet he took me here and got us into this shit. He’s a bad influence on you, that fucking Doctor. You should stop tagging around with him in his blue box and come and live with me. You’re better than this.”

The Doctor’s pupils visibly dilated. “I never took you here. You were the one who…!”

“Liam!? Liam who!?” yelped Past Liam. “Who’s Liam!? Is it this geezer here? Is he called Liam as well? What the fuck is the TARDIS? What the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck are you all doing here?”

“Can we all just…STOP….SHOUTING!?” Clara yelled. “I can’t take this anymore! Doctor, we’ve got to do something!”

“Doctor…what? Is he a doctor now or summat?” Noel was getting more dazed by the second.

The Doctor looked at his watch. Oasis were due on stage in five minutes. But they were a rock band. They were hardly going to be on time anyway. Ideally, they wouldn’t be going on stage at all….they’d be making sure that wouldn’t happen.

He had to come up with something. He had to make everything work. He couldn’t let Past Liam or Noel believe any of this was real.

“Right!” the Doctor snapped. “No time to explain! All of you! Into the TARDIS! Now! Come on!”

“What the fuck is the TARDIS!?” Past Liam and Noel bawled almost simultaneously, but Present Liam, Clara and the Doctor were already shoving and dragging them inside of it. Clara had no idea what the Doctor was planning to do or what idea he had conjured up in the last ten seconds but she was praying for everyone’s sake that it would work.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all gets a bit confusing.

The TARDIS wheezed to a stop. Present Liam had managed to contain himself this time. The same couldn’t be sad for Past Liam. Noel’s face had gone grey and clammy.

“Where are we?” asked Present Liam. “What are we gonna do?”

“Oh my God”, Noel whimpered. “What the fuck…what the fuck…”

“What’s…what’s happening?” Past Liam groaned. “What was all that shaking? Why is it so big in here? What are you--?”

“We don’t have much time”, the Doctor responded sharply as he turned to Past Liam and Noel, “and the less you two know about it the better! Come on!”

The doors of the TARDIS swung open and the Doctor and Clara walked Past Liam and Noel outside. Noel had gone glassy-eyed.

“Wha-…have we moved? Did the box fucking move…?”

“Where are we?” asked Present Liam poking his head out of the TARDIS door. “Where are we go-?”

“Not you!” the Doctor hollered! “After all the trouble you’ve caused this is the last place you can be seen! I’m locking you in that TARDIS and you’re staying there until we get back!”

“What?” barked Present Liam outraged, but the Doctor had already slammed the doors of the TARDIS and proceeded to lock it.

“Doctor”, said Clara, “what exactly is your plan-?”

“Patience, Clara!” the Doctor replied as they all moved forward, “We haven’t got time for this! We need to find the other two!”

“The other two? What?”

But the Doctor was already sprinting, gesturing at the others to follow him. Past Liam and Noel had long past the stage of asking questions; they could do little else but follow him. As Clara moved with the group, she looked around at her surroundings. It was evening time and the air was sharp and cold. Clara couldn’t help but feel the place felt slightly familiar, like she had seen images of it on TV or in a magazine. They were running down the side of a huge park. There were lots of groups of people dotted around.

“Hey!” huffed Past Liam. “This is… this is Knebworth! What the fuck are we doing in fucking--?”

They were all behind a stage in front of a porta cabin. The door was locked and it looked empty. The Doctor whipped out his sonic screwdriver, opened the door and dragged them all inside.

“Now the two of you listen to me very carefully”, the Doctor breathed at Past Liam and Noel. “You were about to do a show! You will do a show, just that it’s in a different place! The pair of you need to stay in here in here until further notice!” The Doctor gestured at the crates of alcohol left at the side of the room. “And I’d strongly recommend you have a few drinks! This has been a long night for you and it will get even longer! Believe me!”

The Doctor dragged Clara out of the porta cabin and then locked the door of the sonic screwdriver, with Past Liam and Noel still inside. Before Clara could begin to question the Doctor on what had happened, the Doctor was already heading in another direction.

Back in the porta cabin, Noel was losing his mind.

“What’s happening!?” he wailed. “Why Knebworth? Why here? What’s going on? Who are they? What show?”

“Who gives a fuck!?” snapped Past Liam, cracking open a can of Guinness. “I don’t have a fucking clue! We’re locked up in here now! Just do what the geezer said!”

Noel didn’t feel like he was a part of reality any more. He opened a can of alcohol and slowly began to swig.

***

“Doctor!” yelled Clara. “What are we doing now?!

“I’ve already told you!” the Doctor snapped. “We need to find the other two! Let’s get moving, shall we?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get slightly messy.

Present Liam was sitting cross-legged on the floor of the TARDIS sulking. He couldn’t stand that stupid Doctor. What had he done to deserve being cooped up in here while the others skipped away to have their adventure? Sure, he might have fucked things up slightly but that didn’t warrant him being kept away from Clara! He eyed the dashboard of controls. If the Doctor was so intent on leaving poor LG in here in the TARDIS on his own, he might as well entertain himself while he was there. He picked himself up from the floor and began shuffling to the controls, grinning to himself.

Suddenly the doors of the TARDIS burst open and the Doctor, Clara and another Noel and Liam piled into the room while Present Liam was mid-shuffle. “Fuck’s sake”, Present Liam huffed. 

“We found the other two”, the Doctor announced, eyeing Present Liam. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing”, Present Liam responded as he stared at the two that had been dragged in by the Doctor and Clara. “Other two?”

The two that had been dragged in were none other than Noel and Liam Gallagher from the past. But they weren’t the same Past Noel and Liam who had travelled with them from 2009. These were a much younger version of the brothers; Present Liam guessed it must have been some time in the 90s. And Jesus, both of them were fucking out of it.

“Coo’!” Knebworth Noel drawled, his pupils the size of dinner plates. “Where’re we?”

“Dunno”, Knebworth Liam grinned. “Are we in fuckin’ Wales or wha’?”

“We found this pair loitering around backstage drinking themselves silly and taking every kind of drug imaginable”, the Doctor explained. “We brought the other Noel and Liam someplace backstage and locked them up in a room full of booze. They’ll be alright for a few minutes. This is the Noel and Liam from ‘96. They’re so intoxicated the concept of them travelling in time is no major issue to them.”

“Major issue to me!” Knebworth Noel whined in a sing-song voice. “Issues, issues! Women’s issues!”

“Who’s that geezer?” Knebworth Liam asked, pointing at Present Liam. “Is he Welsh?”

“That’s great, Doctor, but what’s the point in all of this?” asked Clara, exasperated. “You still haven’t told us what your plan is! What’s with all this moving people around?”

“Yeah!” snapped Present Liam. “What the fuck is happening round here? D’you not think you’ve put me and Clara through enough already?”

“What we’re doing is playing a game of swapsies”, said the Doctor. “We move the 2009 Noel and Liam back to ‘96. We don’t leave the other two in the same timestream for too long so we move ‘96 Noel and Liam to 2009. This pair are high as kites. The other pair will be drunk as sailors.” The Doctor yanked on the lever and the TARDIS whirred into life. “We take the various rock n’roll lifestyles and we use them to our advantage. Fame, booze and drugs...it all messes with your mind. If this is done neatly...and with any luck...a bit of time travel shouldn’t make much difference. You’ll see what I mean.”

Clara wasn’t quite sure she saw what the Doctor meant but she nodded all the same.

“What’s that noise?” Knebworth Noel barked. “We’ve got a gig to do! Where’re we going? Where are we?”

“Shut up, Noel!” Knebworth Liam sighed dreamily. “I think we’re in heaven, look! I think that’s the sound of God! Look up here, I think I see John Lennon!”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get even messier.

Back in the porta cabin in ‘96, Past Liam chugged down another can of beer. His thoughts were swimming and his eyes were rolling. Past Noel was sprawled face-down across the floor, surrounded by empty cans and cigarette butts. He was moaning softly. Neither of them could remember why they were there or how they had ended up here in the first place. Past Liam tossed another finished can over his shoulder and automatically reached for another one. He knew he was there for a reason but he couldn’t think what it was. It felt like they’d been there for hours.

Suddenly there was a whirring, groaning sound from outside. Past Liam thought the noise sounded vaguely familiar. Past Noel remained on the floor, confused, drunk and disoriented seemingly oblivious to what was happening around him.

The door of the porta cabin swung open and in came Clara, along with the Doctor clutching the squirming and yodelling 90s Noel and Liam by their collars as though they were two unruly schoolchildren. Past Liam was so drunk at this point he didn’t even care that none of what was happening before him made any sort of conceivable sense to him. He decided he’d try and make polite drunken conversation with the four who had entered the room.

“Hello there, sailors”, Past Liam slurred. “And what might--?”

“Fuckin’ ‘ell, mate!” 90s Noel bawled, “You’ll never guess where we went!”

“Yeah!” 90s Liam yelled, “Wales!”

“We saw the future!” 90s Noel barked. “It’s fuckin’ cool I love drugs, me! 

The Doctor grimaced as he dropped 90s Noel and Liam to the floor like two stuffed bin bags and turned to Past Liam who was slouching in the corner.

“We’ve taken these two forward to 2009. Now we’re putting them back where they belong. You and your dozy brother need to come back with us! Hurry up, we’ve got no time to lose!”

Past Liam staggered slowly towards Clara and the Doctor. Past Noel remained on the floor. He may as well have been a corpse. The Doctor sighed.

“Clara, take Past Liam back to the TARDIS, while I deal with Sleeping Beauty here! I hope to God that other Liam hasn’t gotten up to anything in there!”

“Come on then!” Clara huffed as she grabbed hold of Past Liam’s arm and dragged him out of the porta cabin. She felt she was beginning to see what the Doctor was doing...but all this swapping places and moving around the same people from different time streams was starting to make her feel slightly nuts. She could hear 90s Noel and Liam whooping and screaming inside of the porta cabin. Shortly they would be performing to over 250,000 people. It didn’t bear thinking about.

She entered the TARDIS with Past Liam just in time to see Present Liam with his hand on one of the levers.

“LIAM!” Clara barked, rushing over and letting Past Liam crumple to the floor.

“For fuck’s sake, Clara!” Present Liam snapped, hastily pulling away his hand. “I’m only looking!”

The Doctor entered the TARDIS carrying a semi-conscious Past Noel. 

“Well”, he grimaced. “Whatever happens now, it really cannot get any worse than this.”

Past Liam then projectile vomited all over the floor


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cleaning up the mess.

The crowd were roaring. Bonehead scratched his head and turned to Alan. They were still backstage at Knebworth. “Where the fuck are they?”

Alan shrugged. Oasis should have been on stage over 20 minutes ago. It wasn’t the lateness that was the issue; it was the fact that Noel and Liam seemed to have somehow mysteriously disappeared. Where were they? Had they both had a massive strop and stormed off? Was the gig even going to go ahead at all? Bonehead didn’t fancy getting on there and breaking the news to over 250,000 people that the band’s lead vocalist and guitarist hadn’t shown up. Alan didn’t exactly cherish the idea either.

Just as Alan, Bonehead, Guigsy and the crew were beginning to wonder if they’d make it out of Knebworth alive, they were greeted with a cacophony of drunken shrieking and yodelling. 

“Hello, lads”, bawled 90s Liam who had materialised before the rest of the band with his equally dishevelled brother. “Guess what? We went to Wales!”

“It was fucking immense!” 90s Noel barked.

“What’re we waiting for?” yelled 90s Liam as he barged past the others. “Let’s get out onto that fucking stage!”

Bonehead, Alan and Guigsy looked at each other. Bonehead scratched his head again.

“Were they like this a few hours ago?” asked Guigsy.

“Fuck it” Bonehead muttered. “Let’s go.”

“Wales?” said Alan.

*********

The TARDIS ground to halt. The Doctor was pressing his fingers against his temples. Clara was rubbing gentle circles into Past Liam’s back. Past Noel was asleep on the floor. Present Liam was staring into space, picking his nose.

“Clara”, the Doctor groaned, “for the love of God...just let’s get this travelling circus out of here.”

The door of the TARDIS opened and Clara stepped out arm in arm with Past Liam while the Doctor dragged Past Noel out by the ankles. Clara looked round. “Hey...we’re back in 2009 again, aren’t we?”

“Indeed we are” the Doctor replied gruffly. “Let’s give this dozy creature another shot at finding a taxi. We’ll tell them to take him to the nearest hotel.”

“Right”, said Clara carefully, “and what’ll we do with...” She gestured to Past Liam, who was having trouble staying on his feet.

The Doctor sighed. “I’m sure someone will find him. I mean, look at him. He’s not likely to be missing for very long, is he?”

“What? So we just… leave him here?”

“Absolutely. Once the taxi takes this dreamer off our hands.”

At that moment, a taxi arrived in front of the Doctor. The driver wound down the window and wrinkled nose. “Seriously?”

The Doctor flung open the door and bundled Past Noel into the back seat. “Just take him to the nearest hotel. Here’s the fare!” He tossed a bank note into the driver’s direction and promptly slammed the door. “See ya!”

As the taxi drove off, Clara turned to the Doctor. “...So. What’s left?”

The Doctor looked over at the TARDIS. “Ah. I suppose we should really do something about that vagrant, now shouldn’t we…?”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End.

1996

90s Liam’s eyes slowly peeled open. The place was dim and musty. Grey daylight was just beginning to spill past the curtains. What happened? Where was he. His bones creaky, he reached over and flicked on the bedside light. He has in a trashed up hotel room, sprawled sideways on the double bed. Empty cans of booze were strewn everywhere. He closed his eyes again. Pain was throbbing behind his eyes. He couldn’t remember what had happened the night before. He didn’t think he ever would.

*********

90s Noel opened his eyes. He was back in his hotel room. He had no idea what happened the night before or how he got here. He didn’t think he ever would. His whole body hurt.

*********

2009

Past Noel woke up with a start. He was thrown down on the double bed.  
“What the fuck”, he mumbled. “Where...what…?”  
Then memories began to flood back. Brief, fragmented memories. Memories of guitars being smashed and plums being hurled across a room. Not much else.  
“Jesus”, Noel groaned and held his head in his hands. He must have had a breakdown. He must have.  
That was it.  
He was leaving Oasis.

*********

Past Liam woke up. White noise filled his ears.  
“What the...where?”  
It took him moment to realise he was on the plane. Andy turned around and eyed him.  
“What the hell happened to you, mate?” he asked. “You were absolutely smashed.”  
Liam couldn’t remember what had happened. He didn’t think he ever would.

*********

The Present

Liam cracked open a beer and peered through the telescope again. It was 9:40 on a chilly winter night and he was on the balcony stargazing. He rubbed his eyes. He wondered for how much longer he’d be mooching around at home either doing nothing or stargazing. He really ought to find something productive to do. This wasn’t very rock n’ roll.  
He took a sip of his beverage then squinted through the telescope again. He saw a shooting star. Then he saw the tiny unmistakable outline of a blue police telephone box flying through space. Liam smiled to himself.  
“As you were, Doctor.”


End file.
